Oprah Admits She Weighs 400 Lbs; Changing Name To “Opera”

“It’s the economy, stupid,” Oprah Winfrey today told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference when asked about her rapid weight gain over the past six months. “The more my net worth drops, the more my net weight increases. The stock market is making me crazy.”

Winfrey said that she, like many investors, had been “badly hit” by the plummeting Dow-Jones Industrial Average during Fall, 2008.

“I had my money in Apple and Google,” she told reporters. “But lately it’s all going into M&Ms.”

Since Winfrey had developed the girth of a soprano at the Lyric or the Met,” she said, “I might as well change my name. So from now, just call me Opera. Um, you in the front row, eating the Snickers bar…you gonna finish that?”