A-Rod Tests Negative For Personality Enhancement

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez shows no sign of personality enhancement, according to a Harvard-educated team of psychologists, behavior experts, and media trainers.

“What you see is what you get,” Timothy Rashburn, a Harvard Professor Of Sports Psychology, told a hastily assembled Cambridge, Massachusetts news conference. “After extensive interviews and research, we could find no evidence whatsoever of personality enhancement. He is what he claims to be—a baseball player with a lot of money.”

Rashburn told reporters that the Major League Baseball Players Association had brought his team to spend a week interviewing and examining Rodriguez, in order to refute rumors that he might have engaged in some sort of personality enhancement prior to the 2003 season.

“He was the same guy in 2002 that he was in 2003 or 2009 for that matter,” Rashburn said. “I’m sure he’s a terrific person, other than leaving his wife for an aging rock star and an inability to perform clutch hitting in the postseason. But as for personality enhancement in any way, shape, or form, we couldn’t detect it.”

Rodriguez may be asked to testify before Congress as to whether his personality was enhanced in order to justify a record baseball contract of $250 million.

“He’s in the clear,” Rashburn said. “I don’t mean he used ‘The Clear.’ I mean, you can search the man for any evidence of personality, and he’ll always test negative. You can take that to the bank.”