Eckhart Tolle Renounces Spirituality; Embraces Madonna, Paris Hilton

“I was wrong, but I am no longer attached to my erroneous thinking,” spirituality author Eckhart Tolle today told a hastily arranged Beverly Hills news conference. “The now is not where it’s at. Now is so…last week.”

Tolle, flanked by Madonna and Paris Hilton, came to Beverly Hills to launch his newest book, “Later! The Power Of Being Rich And Powerful.” Abandoning his traditional homespun sweaters, the Oprah-approved avatar of Buddhism-for-the-masses wore a tasteful Armani ensemble and $1100 bespoke handmade shoes.

“When I spent two years sitting on a park bench,” Tolle told reporters, “I thought I was happy. I was wrong. So wrong. Happiness doesn’t make you happy. At least not compared with netting $6 million a year from books, speaking, and my new line of Eckhart Tolle kitchenware, available through the Food Channel and QVC.”

Tolle’s new book “Later!” extols the value of shallow relationships, immediate gratification, conspicuous consumption, and a wasteful, unsustainable lifestyle.

“I thought I could be happy without large sums of money, access to celebrities and supermodels, and my own TV game show,” Tolle said. “I was wrong. You really are happier in a $1200 a night hotel room than sitting and meditating in a park. But I couldn’t have had this breakthrough if I hadn’t gone through all that poverty and denial of my basic human needs first.”

When asked whether the message of his new book, “Later!”, conflicted with the message of spirituality that had brought him fame, success, and riches, Tolle emphatically agreed.

“I’ve been rich and I’ve been spiritual,” Tolle said. “And rich is better.”