McCain: "I Will Build A Bridge Back To 20th Century"

Declaring that "The past was good enough for our parents and grandparents, and it ought to be good enough for us," Republican Presidential candidate told a hastily reassembled Republican National Convention audience.

"If elected, I will build a bridge back to the 20th century," McCain said. "Or we may not even stop there, and build a bridge, or maybe a tunnel, to the 19th century. We're going back, back, back, until I can remember where my cufflinks are and the government only had 27 employees."

McCain tried to differentiate himself from President George W. Bush by declaring that "The 21st century, under President Bush's leadership, has been a bust. It's time to go back, America, time to go home."

The Republican candidate suggested in his speech that the America of past centuries was really better than the current one.

"You didn't have email and the Internet," McCain admitted, "but I don't know how to work those things anyway. And neither do older Americans, except for those who get photos of their grandchildren over the Internet. Can anyone remind me of what I was talking about?"

McCain said that a "bridge to the 20th century" would enable Americans to "mail letters for three cents instead of whatever stamps cost now, buy gas for their cars for 29 cents a gallon and have a guy in a jumpsuit and bowtie wash your windshield, and buy a gallon of milk for a quarter, instead of whatever it costs now.

"Yes, we would have to turn back the clock on women's rights, civil rights, and other group rights, but as I recall the 20th century, I only remember a lot of white guys. So I say, let's all live in the past. It's not just cheaper; it's the right thing for America."