President George W. Bush today announced at a hastily assembled White House news conference that all U.S. banks would be merged into one single new bank, to be known as “The Bank.”
This solution to the American banking crisis, the President said, would place all personal savings accounts, business accounts, home loans, and business loans into one single entity, thus avoiding the possibility of individual banks failing or additional loan guarantees.
“We’re very pleased,” the President told reporters. “The Bank will be a good thing for America. You can trust the Bank.”
The new Bank will replace all other banks effective immediately. ATM machines at all Bank branches across the United States would require new Bank ATM cards, applications for which will be available by Monday at all Bank branches and online.
The President said that people should be able to have new ATM cards “within a month, because it will take a while to make them all. We will be using federal prisoners, except those imprisoned for identity theft, to assist, taking them off license plate duty for the time being.”
“Because we have to put up new signage and stuff,” the President said, “all banks across the United States will be closed for a few days so that they can all get painted and fixed up and stuff. So don’t even bother going to your local bank, until they get it with the new color scheme and stuff.”
The President said that Americans would have to reapply for new checks for all of their checking accounts, and that checks drawn on any bank other than The Bank would not be honored.
“We know this is a time of trial for all but the wealthiest Americans,” the President said, “and also those who are survivalists and have a lot of cash and weapons and ammo and canned goods.
“But within a couple of months, we should have this whole thing figured out. In the meantime, hug your children, go shopping but not with Visa or MasterCard or Amex, because those also have to be reissued by the new Bank, and maybe plant some vegetables and knit some sweaters. America, you’re gonna need ‘em.”
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