Republican Bailout Plan For Homeowners Only Bails Out Republican Homeowners

“We’ve parsed the data as carefully as we can,” George W. Bush told a hastily assembled Lincoln, Nebraska news conference. “And we’ve determined that it’s far more important to offer homeowner bailouts to Republicans than to Democratics. I mean Democrats. So what you’ve heard about our program is true.”

In addition to the bailouts of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, the White House also announced plans to offer individual bailouts to homeowners throughout the United States who face foreclosure due to the nature of their mortgage obligations. Using a complex computer algorithm, the plan will only benefit homeowners who are registered Republicans and are most likely to vote in November’s election.

“Republicans actually contribute to society,” President Bush said. “They have jobs, they create jobs, and they don’t send their money in the form of remittances to other countries. They’re 100% red-blooded, red state Americans, and they deserve our help most.”

The President is in the middle of a 50-state, five month swing because he lost his White House ID card while at the Beijing Olympics and it takes at least that long for the General Accounting Office to issue a replacement card; by then, he will be out of office anyway.

When asked about whether there was a political motiviation behind the decision to bailout only Republican mortgage holders, the President demurred.

“We’d like to help everyone if we could,” he said. “But we had our, you know, computer people figure out who would benefit society the most if we gave them a helping hand. And wouldn’t you know it. It’s the Republicans.

“We’re not saying Democrats never contribute anything to society,” the President said.
“But they most often have the kind of jobs that take instead of give—you know, teachers, blue collar workers, U.S. Senators. We promise we’ll get to them next.”

The President emphasized that “fundamental fairness, not partisan politics,” dictated his choices. “We want an America where everyone, rich and poor, black and white, male and female, can enjoy the benefits, security, and peace of mind that home ownership brings. But if we can’t do that for everybody, let’s start with wealthy white Republican-leaning people first, and as time goes on, we’ll go from there.”