Sarah Palin Vows To Adopt All Republican Voters

In a surprise move, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today vowed to adopt all voters who pull the lever for the Republican ticket.

"You are all my kids," Palin announced at a hastily assembled Findlay, Ohio news conference. "And as any mother of a large family can tell you, you add another child, it's not overwhelming. OK, I'm admittedly preparing to adopt fifty million Americans. But we'll all help each other do chores, cook, clean, and keep our house tidy."

Republican donors were being tapped to provide funding for "a really big house with up to 30 million bedrooms," Palin told reporters. "We're going to be one big blended family, and I'll be the Mom, and my husband will be the Dad, who goes away to fish two weeks a month and we all have to pull together. And John McCain will be the grandpa who sits in the parlor with a blanket on his knees and does magic tricks, whenever he wakes up. It'll be great."

Palin said polling indicated that "Americans really respond to me most as a Mom--someone who shops at Wal-Mart, struggles to make ends meet. Okay, I'm the Governor, but otherwise I'm just like them. So I thought, as long as Americans see me as an idealized Mom, why not go with it?"

Palin said that there had never been a mass adoption like this in American history, "but there's so much about this election that's new and unique. George Bush has been kind of like the idiot brother figure, and Bill Clinton the older brother who gets a ton of girls. Reagan and Nixon were like father figures. In the eyes of the American people, I guess I'm the Mom."

Palin promised to help all her new adoptive offspring with their homework, Girl Scout cookie sales, job searches, marital counseling, spiritual quests, kissing booboos, and carpooling.

"People say, 'How can you do all that when you're going to be Vice President and you have your own kids?" Palin said. "Well, they don't ask that of male candidates. That's not fair."

Voters would need to provide video of themselves actually voting for the Republican ticket in exchange for permission to be adopted by the Palins.

"People say this election is primarily about the economy and the War," Palin said. "But I disagree. This country is about Mom and apple pie. Well, if you join my family, there'll be a hug and a nice warm slice with ice cream waiting for you as soon as you come home."