“I understand that it’s not about me,” Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today told a hastily assembled Milwaukee, Wisconsin news conference. “It’s all about Sarah. The people want her, and I’ll fight to see that the people get what they want.”
Sen. McCain made a campaign pledge to reporters that “If elected, I will die in office, most likely of natural causes, because our polling indicates that in the wake of the Convention, people are only voting for me because they want Sarah in the White House.
“So I’ll do my part and make that happen for America.”
The Senator did not provide specifics about how he would engineer his own demise, but he did offer some tantalizing clues.
“I’m not a young man, that’s first of all,” McCain said. “So you can just let nature take its course. But if my health continues to be strong, I can always take long walks without Secret Service protection at night through downtown Washington while wearing a Rolex or maybe several Rolexes.
"By the time of the Inauguration, I will stop flossing, eating bran, and using sunscreen," McCain added. "I will also quit doing Sudoko to keep my mind sharp, and I will spend up to four hours a day staring listlessly out the window of the Oval Office, ignoring visitors and aides in an effort to depress myself and cut myself off from reality and from the American people.
“If all else fails, I can take up high-risk hobbies,” Sen. McCain continued, “like bungie jumping, cliff diving in Acapulco, or cleaning out Taliban machine gun nests in western Afghanistan. As President, I’ll do whatever it takes. This is the least the American public deserves.”
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