“Miffed” Pete Carroll Says OSU “Doesn’t Know Its Place”

“Of course I’m miffed,” a clearly miffed USC football head coach Pete Carroll told a hastily assembled Corvallis, Oregon news conference after last night’s stunning 27-21 upset of the #1 ranked Trojans at the hands of the unranked Oregon State University Beavers.

“The whole team is miffed,” Carroll said. “OSU clearly doesn’t know its place.”

Carroll pointed out that USC was the clear favorite to win the BCS Bowl Championship, and was widely touted as not just the best team he had ever coached but the best team in the nation by far.

“Oregon State,” Carroll said, “by contrast, is a third-rate program that barely deserves to carry our extra-large-sized jockstraps. They were supposed to lose—graciously and in a humiliating manner, as befits a program with no national reputation. And they didn’t do what they were supposed to do.”

Carroll pointed out that USC had a quarterback considered “the best in the nation,” an offensive line considered “the best in the nation, and “running backs stacked up one on top of each other like a large series of, um, burritos in a microwave oven at Taco Bell.

“We’re the school that has that great horse for a mascot, and the song where everybody sticks their two fingers in the air, in a salute that borders on the fascistic, singing, ‘Ta-duh, ta-duh!’ And Oregon State? I don’t think half their team can even spell the name of the city where the school is located.”

Carroll said that he understood “all of Southern California must be miffed in the light of the unsportsmanlike conduct by the Ducks, but truly no one is as miffed as I am. When it comes to miffedness, I truly believe I out-miff everyone in Trojan Nation, and that you’d have to go back to the 1930, when Howard Jones’s USC team finished second and didn’t go to the Rose Bowl, which they won three times in the four surrounding years.

“That was a record for miffed-ness that all Trojan fans understand will never be broken,” Carroll said. “But at least he was playing teams that had a right to be on the playing field along with SC, unlike the Ducks, who had no business being out there with us and upsetting all of our alumni’s New Years travel plans.”

Carroll vowed that as soon as he, quarterback Mark Sanchez, and the entire team could get over how miffed they felt, they would “Fight on. I just hope that when we play Oregon next week they don’t get any ideas about winning, or even beating the spread. Don’t people understand that we’re supposed to win?”