Friday, September 12, 2008

In Light Of Hurricane Ike, Houstonians Contemplate Futility Of Living In Houston

“This could be the end of Houston as we know it,” Houston mayor Bill White told a hastily assembled Houston news conference. “Not because of the wind and rain associated with Hurricane Ike, but because our residents are realizing the utter futility and purposelessness of living here.”

Houston residents, especially those in low-lying areas, have been following warnings to leave their homes in advance of the Category 5 hurricane, White said. “We’re glad they’re complying,” the Mayor told reporters. “We just don’t think they’re coming back. There’s no reason to live in Houston. Zero, nada, zilch.”

Mayor White pointed out that “the climate is terrible, between the heat and the humidity. We have no culture to speak of. The traffic is awful. There’s a ton of crime. Our cost of living is high. Our museums have a couple of paintings in them, but nobody cares. We might have a symphony orchestra, but then again, maybe we don’t.

"If you don't believe me," the Mayor said, "then just Google 'benefits living Houston.' You'll get exactly 12 hits."

Mayor White said he expected “zero sympathy” from the rest of the nation if a Katrina-like destruction takes down Houston as it did New Orleans.

“Look, everybody loves New Orleans,” Mayor White told reporters. “You’ve got Bourbon Street, Mardi Gras, booze, jazz, great food, and girls taking off their tops if you toss them some beads. Here, you toss beads at Houston women, and they’re likely to respond with deadly force.

“People have the perception that we’re just a bunch of nouveau riche rednecks with a ton of oil money,” Mayor White said. “That’s true, but only for a couple of dozen families. Everybody else’s motto is ‘Attention, Wal-Mart shoppers.’”

Hurricane Ike is expected to make landfall and hit Houston, America’s fourth-largest city, sometime today. “I understand people leaving,” Mayor White said. “Truthfully, I can’t reckon why they’d come back.”

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