President Bush To Address Convention From Undisclosed Location; Location Undisclosed Even To President Bush

President George W. Bush will address the Republican National Convention tonight by satellite from an undisclosed location; apparently the Republican National Committee has not informed the President of the exact nature of his current location.

“If anybody could tell me exactly where I am,” the President told a hastily arranged conference call with reporters, “I’d be real grateful. I see a lot of small buildings out of my window, and I think one of them is a Home Depot. And I see a river.”

According to reports, the Republican Party was so concerned about the President’s low approval ratings that they did not want him to appear in person at the Republican National Convention taking place this week in St. Paul, Minnesota.

It would have been too embarrassing to the Party to have a sitting Republican President fail to speak at a convention, so they agreed to have him speak by satellite. Apparently the President was not informed by the Republican Party of where he is currently located.

“It looks like a nice place,” the President told reporters. “We have the top floor of a hotel that looks like a Marriott Residence Suites, but I’m not sure because they didn’t give me a key to the room. There’s a StairMaster in here, and they restock the minibar, but I really am not sure of where I am. Does anyone listening have an idea?”

Rumors circulating at the Republican National Convention suggested that party leaders feared the President would suddenly appear unexpectedly and cause problems, because few Republicans would want to be in a camera shot together with him.

“If he stepped onto the convention floor,” a party leader told the Dissociated Press, “he’d be like Moses parting the Red Sea. Nobody would want to get near him. It’d be like there was a leper in their midst and everybody would start yelling and pointing, ‘Unclean! Unclean!’”

The President told reporters that he “promised Dick Cheney and McCain and all those guys that I wouldn’t come to the Convention, but I guess they didn’t believe me. Heck, I haven’t seen a newspaper. I hear McCain picked a woman for Vice President. I think it’s Libby Dole, but I’m not sure. There are some hills in the distance. Does anybody have GPS on their phone? I’d be really happy just to know where I am.”