McCain Announces Own Bailout Plan: “My Wife Will Buy All Houses”

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today announced his own bailout plan to rescue struggling financial institutions and homeowners alike.

“My wife will buy all your houses,” McCain told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. “She’s got a lot of money, and she doesn’t want people to suffer unnecessarily.”

McCain said that he objected to the Republican bailout plan proposed by Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke on the grounds that “You can’t trust a man with a beard. My father told me that years ago, and that advice has never proven wrong. Ho Chi Minh had a beard, and I didn’t see him bailing out any banking systems successfully.”

McCain added that his wife, whose name, he promised, would come to him at any moment, “owned a brewery, or a distillery, or a beer distributorship, or maybe a liquor store, but something that sells alcohol and absolutely coins money. She can afford to help the American homeowners and banks in need of assistance. How many could there be in all, anyway? A few hundred? She’s always wanted to get into real estate. You know, buy and flip.”

Reporters pointed out that millions of distressed properties and hundreds of billions of unsaleable commercial paper were at stake, not just a few hundred homes.

McCain rubbed his chin, thought for a moment, and said, “Well, I don’t know if she has that much money. She might. I’ll have to ask. Does anybody remember her cell phone number? It has a 2 in it. Next question?”