Bin Ladin Visits Ground Zero, Thanks Bush For Iraq War, “Apparent Forgiveness”

Terrorist-turned-tourist Osama bin Ladin paid a surprise visit to Ground Zero in New York City today to mark the 7th anniversary of the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, thanking U.S. President Bush for “six wonderful years of war in Iraq” and his “apparent forgiveness” of the al-Qaeda terror network.

“I am very grateful to the President,” bin Ladin told a very hastily assembled lower Manhattan news conference, “for many things. First, his war in Iraq has been a blessing in disguise to Islam, because although we have lost many people, we could not have found a better way to drain American resources of almost a trillion dollars, not to mention the death of all those American servicepeople.

“Second,” bin Ladin continued, "it would appear that the President has forgiven al-Qaeda in general, and me in particular, for the September 11 attacks. How else can we explain the fact that the President has allowed me to live quietly in my well-marked cave along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, all this time, with my 20 wives and my respirator?”

Bin Ladin actually complained that he no longer commanded large audiences on network and cable news shows with his anti-Western videos and was “thinking of posting on YouTube instead. I call it Terrorism 2.0,” he told reporters. “It just shows the fickleness of the American people and the brevity of their attention span. I mean, what do you have to do to stay famous in this country? Get caught drunk driving? Go on Larry King? Hire a publicist?”

The former Saudi engineer told reporters that he was traveling on a “suspected terrorist” visa, which allowed him to bypass security lines at airports and not have to go through detention or searches, “out of your uniquely American instinct not to commit ethnic profiling,” he said.

Bin Ladin told reporters that while in New York he intended to take in a Broadway show, visit the Statue of Liberty and the New York Stock Exchange, take the Circle Line cruise around Manhattan, and attend a Yankee game.

“I understand they are destroying Yankee Stadium after the season,” bin Ladin said. “The company doing the job is charging the city a lot of money. I would have done it for nothing.”

Asked whether another major terror attack was in the offing, bin Ladin said no.

“We attacked your country only once,” he said. “When I watch CNN or Fox News, it looks like your media is attacking you with terrorism every day. And then there’s the banking crisis, housing crisis, and recession your greedy bankers brought on. From my perspective, another actual attack on your country would be superfluous.”