A top secret CIA report leaked to Congress last week reveals what many football fans and political observers have believed for years: that Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis and North Korean dictator are actually the same person.
"The report is pretty undeniable," House Security Committee chair Donald Alpherson (D-Left Coast) told reporters at a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "The men act the same way, think the same way, run their respective fiefdoms the same way, and have never been seen together at any point in their lives."
Kim Jong-Il's absence from an important North Korean military parade led to intense speculation that the mysterious dictator had suffered a near-fatal stroke.
"There wasn't any stroke," Alpherson told reporters. "Kim/Davis left North Korea to return to Oakland for the beginning of the new NFL season. It's the same thing year after year. Where's Kim? He's in Oakland, unless he's in Kansas City or Denver if the Raiders open on the road."
The CIA report pointed out a large number of similarities between the two men: a penchant for secrecy; an unwillingness to share power; a love of jazz music; and decades of failure to provide their countrymen (or fans, in "Davis's" case) with even the remotest possibility of success.
"They even dress alike," Alpherson said. "They both like monochromatic clothing. That's because they're both color-blind, according to the CIA."
The CIA report, which Alpherson shared with reporters but did not allow them to copy, compared dates of sightings of the two men over the past 20 years.
"You see one, but never the other at the same time," Alpherson said. "This was a real eye-opener for me. I never believed that Al Davis was moonlighting as a Communist dictator, but the more you think about it, the more in character the job is for him.
"And the other giveaway is the motto of North Korea, 'Chosŏn Minjujuŭi Inmin Konghwaguk.' It roughly translates as, 'Just win, baby.'"
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