Steinbrenner Orders 2008 Yankees Demolished Along With Stadium

“This was a season to remember but to dismember,” Yankees general partner and general pain in the behind Hank Steinbrenner told a hastily assembled Bronx, New York news conference, as he ordered demolition experts to destroy Yankee Stadium “while the team was still trapped inside the clubhouse.”

Steinbrenner told reporters that he would miss “Jeter and Mussina, and Pettite, but the rest were barely worth the powder to blow to hell.” He indicated that by “accidentally” demolishing the team along with the Stadium, the insurance money would be sufficient to purchase “the entire starting roster of the Tampa Bay Rays.”

Asked about the morality of trapping a major league baseball team in a building about to be destroyed, Steinbrenner tartly replied, “What’s moral about the way they played this year? Look at it this way. They won’t have to spend the fall and winter thinking about what the New York Post said about them this season.”

Reporters asked Steinbrenner whether he would be able to “sleep nights” after being responsible for the demise of two dozen young men “in their prime.”

“First,” Steinbrenner retorted, “I have to dispute the concept ‘in their prime’ referring to the 2008 Yankees, who are each on average approximately 20 years older than the Tampa Bay Rays.

“And second, with the team playing as poorly as it did this season, it’s not like I slept a lot of nights anyway. It’s bizarre—I just keep thinking about how Joe Torre must have seen this coming.”

Steinbrenner indicated that he intended to trade for “all of the Rays right now,” so that any postseason victories they achieved could be credited to the Yankees.

“Let’s face it,” Steinbrenner said. “We had a great century. Goodbye, Yankee Stadium. Goodbye, A-Rod. And good night.”