New Cadillac Escalade Hybrid Combines Mediocre Mileage With Rampant, Over-The-Top Materialistic Excess

General Motors today announced its solution to its decade-long failure to embrace consumer demands for more fuel-efficient, eco-friendly vehicles with its new Cadillac Escalade Hybrid, which, according to G.M. corporate spokesman Dan Amadar, combines “admittedly mediocre mileage with rampant, over-the-top materialistic excess.”

Amadar told a hastily assembled Detroit news conference that new Escalade Hybrid, which was code-named the “Escalade Hubris” while in development stages, is GM’s response to changes in the marketplace.

“We studied consumers,” Amadar said, “and we saw that they wanted ultra-high-mileage vehicles that gave an image of concern for sustainability and eco-friendliness. So we completely ignored those wishes and instead came up with a vehicle that looks right for a rap video, gets fairly unacceptably low mileage by today’s standards, and costs a freaking fortune.”

Amadar said that GM hadn’t intentionally “turned a blind eye” to consumer expectations.

“We initially had a vehicle that resembled the Prius,” Amadar said. “It got 60 miles on the highway and 70 in the city, was sleek and small, and triggered responses like ‘shopping at Whole Foods’ or ‘something organic in your driveway.’

“But by the time we went through our usual 47 layers of design processes, our senior execs redesigned the car so that it would fit four golfers, all of their golf clubs, and up to three strippers and prostitutes. Exactly what the marketplace demands? Maybe not. In our comfort zone? You betcha.”

GM said that it would be offering its “we pay what you pay” employee pricing on the new vehicle, which has a base MSRP of $83,653 and comes “fully loaded” at the same price.

“Unfortunately, none of our employees can afford a car that expensive,” Amadar said. “So we’re hoping maybe they can team up to buy one and share it on different days. More bling, less ka-ching. Right?"