California Bans Trans Fats, Foul Language, Bad Attitudes, Road Rage, Smoking,

“We want everyone in the state to be as perfect as I am,” California Gov. Arnold Schwartneggar told a hastily assembled swooning mob of politicians and reporters, as he signed into law a bill banning the use of trans fats by food providers in the state. Trans fats

“But the bill goes much further than trans fats, which are a leading cause of heart disease,” Schwartzneggar said, in his trademark heavily Germanically accented English. “We want to have a perfect state with perfect people, so this bill also bans many of the other things that have driven me crazy.

“From now on, no more foul language,” Schwartzneggar said. “They make people upset, and you can get sick from being upset. The new law forbids the use of expletives in anything other than gyms and rap lyrics. If you drop an F-bomb in California, you will go to jail.

“In addition,” Schwartzneggar continued, “it’s been proven that bad attitudes can be even more harmful to one’s health even than trans fats. So we’re making bad attitudes illegal as well. If you have a bad attitude in California, you will go to jail.”

Road rage has been an increasing problem in California as its traffic woes have increased, the Governor noted, and the new law criminalizes road rage. “If you flip another driver the bird, even with cause,” Schwartzneggar warned, “in the state of California, you will go to jail.”

The issue of smoking is also addressed in the new law, Schwartneggar said. “If you smoke a cigarette in the state of California, you will go to jail.”

Evil and wicked thoughts are also harmful to one’s health, and have been banned by the new law, the Governor explained. “Unless you keep your thoughts positive, in the state of California, you will go to jail.”

Asked by a flabby, cynical reporter clutching a donut in one hand and a cigarette in the other whether the law banning trans fats and other unhealthy practices and behaviors represented an overly intrusive government seeking to micromanage the lives of Californians who were perfectly capable of making their own health and lifestyle decisions, and who had never taken dangerous steroids in order to become champion bodybuilders or perhaps overcompensate for a negative self-image, Gov. Schwartneggar offered a terse “No comment.”