Chinese Olympic Markswomen Shoot, Miss Chinese Olympic Gymnastic Team

The Chinese Government, distressed by poor showings from its markswomen and women’s gymnastics team, ordered the markswomen to shoot the gymnasts, but they missed.

Lin Biau, a spokesman for the Chinese Olympic team, told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference that “both teams had brought shame upon China by their imperfect performances. The markswomen disappointed more than a billion of their countrymen by failing to win the first gold medal of the games. Although the women’s gymnastic team performed well enough to advance to the medal round, their performance was still shockingly poor. So the government ordered them executed.”

The markswomen were given the job of dispatching the gymnasts to the “great Bird’s Nest Arena In The Sky Where Our Glorious Father Mao Watches All Of The NBC Feeds Of All Olympic Events And Especially Likes Bob Costas,” Mr. Lin told reporters.

“Unfortunately,” Mr. Lin said, “the markswomen’s aim was just as poor in the execution as it was on the Olympic grounds. We have a concept of double jeopardy in our legal system, so they could not be executed a second time.

“So the women’s gymnastics team will have to perform yet again,” Mr. Lin said, "under personal and political pressure that would be unbearable for an adult, yet alone a group of 10-year-old girls. We think that’s punishment enough. Did I say 10-year-olds? I meant 16-year-olds. My bad.”