GM Unworried About $3.8 Billion Loss; Company Has “Pots and Pots” Of Cash

A spokesman for General Motors today told a hastily assembled Detroit news conference that the struggling automaker had no concerns about its reported $15.5 billion loss for the second quarter of 2008.

“We have pots and pots of cash,” GM Vice President For Public Relations Eric Tolderson told reporters. “Pots and pots. Pots and pots. Pots and pots.”

Reporters pointed out that GM burned through $3.6 billion in cash in the second quarter and has lost more than $51 billion in the last three years.

“We’ve been going through tough times,” Tolderson said. “But we’re going to be just fine. People forget that GM has been the world’s leading automaker for centuries. OK, decades. We’ve sold millions and millions of cars. Millions and millions. Millions and millions. We made a ton of money on those cars. Those were the good old days. Just us, Ford, and Chrysler. Lots of cars. Lots of money. Pots and pots.”

Reporters pointed out that GM’s market share has collapsed in recent months, owing to the Detroit automaker’s focus on large, gas-guzzling vehicles and the economic crisis in the United States.

“We’ve been through recessions before,” Tolderson said, his tone dismissive. “But America has always come back, and they’ve always come back to GM.”

Reporters pointed out that GM could burn through an additional $6.2 billion in the second half of 2008 and another $4.2 billion in 2009.

“We have pots and pots of cash,” Tolderson repeated. “Pots and pots. Pots and pots. We’ll be fine.”

An unnamed member of GM’s financial team stepped to the podium, whispered at length in Tolderson’s ear, and stepped away again.

Tolderson, suddenly appearing flushed, gripped the podium tightly with both hands and replied, in a voice suddenly gone tense, “I have just been informed by one of our senior people that we do not have pots and pots of cash. We do not have any cash. We are negotiating to pay our electric bills with fully loaded Chevy Blazers. We’re going down.”