Contemplating End Of Term, Bush To Offer Pardons On eBay

Declaring that "The process by which Presidential end-of-term pardons is a shameful open secret," President George W. Bush today told a hastily arranged La Paz, Bolivia news conference that when his term ended in January, Presidential pardons would be available on eBay.

"By placing the right to receive a Presidential pardon on eBay," the President told reporters, "everyone in America can participate freely and openly in this important aspect of democracy. Now it no longer matter 'who you know' in Washington if you've been convicted of a major felony or if you are a fugitive from American justice living elsewhere. It's just your willingness to bid."

President Bush said that he had chosen La Paz as a backdrop for this announcement for several reasons. "First," the President said, "they won't give me anything to do back at the White House, and I'm kind of sick of the place. Second, and more to the point, Bolivia symbolizes in the minds of many the kind of place you'd go if you owed the IRS millions and were looking at serious prison time.

"We want Americans in Bolivia, in Switzerland, and all around the world to go to eBay, click on 'Experiences' and then type in ''Presidential Pardons.' Bidding starts at $1, because we wanted the process to be as inclusive as possible. Of course, there is a reserve, which is rumored to be at $10 million, and you can order one for every member of your family. Depending on how criminally involved your particular family is. There's a maximum of 500 this time around, so if you don't have an eBay account, you want to go get one."

Former President Bill Clinton's highly controversial pardons of 140 individuals, including fugitive financier Marc Rich, may have netted as much as $200 million in donations, according to authorities familiar with the matter. President Bush vowed during his first 100 days in office to "clean up" the last-minute Presidential pardon process, and eBay is his approach of choice.

"With Presidential pardons," the President concluded, "we like to see genuine contrition, good acts, restitution, things like that. But who's gonna pay me $10 million a pop to make a speech like ol' Billy Boy? Maybe the Kuwaitis. So this is my 401k plan, if you catch my drift. If you've got a pulse and Paypal, you might just score yourself a pardon. So happy bidding, America."