NASA Admits Laptop On Space Station Has Computer Virus

A spokesman for NASA today told a hastily assembled Cape Canaveral news conference that a laptop belonging to American astronaut Tom Cardwell had been “diagnosed” with a computer virus, even though Cardwell and the laptop had been aboard the International Space Station for the past 62 days.

“We have no idea how the virus got there,” John Stone, NASA VP for Public Affairs, told reporters. “It happens from time to time, and we’re studying it.”

Reporters asked Stone about reports that astronaut Cardwell had been downloading vast amounts of Internet pornography on his laptop while in space, and that his computer might have been affected by a virus in that manner.

“We’ve heard those reports,” Stone admitted. “And look. Space is lonely. You’re working on scientific projects eight hours a day, and you’re sleeping eight, and that leaves you eight more hours. They’ve got no one to be with, no one to talk to. We understand that they might be looking at places on the Internet that don’t meet with NASA’s specific approval.”

Reporters then asked Stone whether he was aware that Cardwell’s GPS-enabled phone bill, a matter of public record, contained more than $80,000 worth of charges to 900 numbers.

“We’re aware of that bill,” Stone admitted. “Again, space is a lonely place, and there are no women on the International Space Station at this time. We thought about providing these sorts of call services to our astronauts so they could, you know, blow off some steam, but we decided it would be best to outsource those functions, if you know what I mean.”

Reporters than asked Stone if he was aware of reports that Cardwell had used his government-issued American Express card on three separate occasions to hire a Russian payload delivery service to bring several young Russian women with no discernable prior aerospace experience to the International Space Station, at a cost to U.S. taxpayers of well over $10 million.

“Again,” Stone admitted, “space exploration is a lonely enterprise. And while $10 million may seem like a lot of money, what would you pay for companionship if you were stuck in a situation like the Space Station? On balance, we’re not all that bothered by the virus on Cardwell’s computer. But we’re really concerned that he himself might have come down with something, and unfortunately, there’s no penicillin on the Space Shuttle. So it could be a while before he can be completely diagnosed. The bottom line is, there's no NetNanny in space. These are grown men and women, and they've got to make these decisions for themselves.”