China Admits Helping Phelps To Distract From Invasion of Taiwan

The Chinese Government today admitted it had "assisted" Michael Phelps in his bid to win eight gold medals, to distract the world from its invasion of Taiwan.

"We have reunited our nation at last," Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao told a hastily assembled Taipei news conference. "The rest of the world was so focused on Phelps that we were able to slide into Taiwan unnoticed. This was the real purpose of our 2008 Olympic Games."

Premier Wen explained that "Phelps could not have won eight medals, especially the seventh, which he won by a hundredth of a second, without our help. We changed the timing clock to benefit him and also put in small waves into each of his competitors' lanes, to slow them down. He got his medals, and we got Taiwan."

China has long maintained it had the right to "reunify" with Taiwan, which it considered a province and not a separate country.

"We would also like to thank Russia for invading Georgia," Premier Wen said. "That certainly kept the story of China invading Taiwan off the top of Google News."

Premier Wen explained that the Chinese government's shutting down of the Internet to foreign media and visitors was intended as a "security measure" so no one could notice troops heading for Taiwan.

"Our heavy industries also cooperated," Premier Wen noted. "They created so much smog that our Air Force could fly unnoticed in the thick, sooty air. We regret any harm caused to the lungs of foreign athletes, of course."

Premier Wen said that the people of Taiwan would be treated fairly and that the province could operate as a separate economic zone, like Hong Kong, for ten years.

"After that," he said, "no more Mr. Nice Guy."

Separately, Russian President Vladimir Putin told the Dissociated Press that the invasion of Georgia was justified because "we were told by the Chinese that invasions would be considered an Olympic event."