Bush Revokes Louisiana Purchase, Makes Gustav France's Problem

"With a stroke of the pen, I have solved the problem of Hurricane Gustave," President George W. Bush today told a hastily assembled Biloxi, Mississippi news conference. "We have revoked the Louisiana Purchase and returned all of that territory to France. New Orleans, you are no longer an American problem."

The surprise move occurred as Gustav, potentially one of the worst storms to make landfall in 100 years, neared the Gulf Coast. The U.S. government has caught enormous blame for bungling both the initial response to Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath of that storm.

"All I can say is Bon Soir, New Orleans," the President said. "My approval ratings sunk lower than Jefferson Parish beneath high tide after Katrina. Now I won't have to go through that again."

The return of the Louisiana Purchase caught the French government by surprise, according to published reports.

"What are we, Nordstrom or L.L. Bean?" French President Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Dissociated Press. "We don't give out refunds after 200 years."

The Louisiana Purchase, negotiated in 1803, placed over 800,000 square miles of land into American hands. The territory bought from France for $15 million today encompasses Arkansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Iowa, and Nebraska and parts of nine other states. Of these 15 states, more than half are currently expected to go for Sen. Barack Obama in November's Presidential election.

"This move reshapes the electoral map," President Bush admitted. "It definitely makes it harder for Obama to beat McCain. Although the funniest thing will be seeing people in Arkansas trying to speak French. It'll sound almost as silly as me trying to speak English. I mean, Spanish. Whatever."

President Bush said that he was also seeking a refund on the $15 million, which today "amounts to more than $46 billion, enough to pay for about five weeks of the Iraq War. The French may be lovers, not fighters, but a deal's a deal."