College Football Players Petition NCAA For “Bowls For All Teams”

“We’re all special,” Casey Wroglander, starting offensive lineman for the West Texas Wildcats told a hastily assembled Indianapolis news conference, where he displayed petitions signed by every active college football player in the United States demanding that every football team get a bowl game.

“We all want to go to bowl games," Wroglander said. " Otherwise, it won’t be fair.”

Wroglander held his news conference on the steps of the NCAA, which determines which schools are eligible to go to bowls and how many bowls there will be.

Wroglander pointed out that his generation of football players is the first to reach college age having won certificates, ribbons, and even trophies no matter where their middle school or high school teams finished in the standings and no matter how well or how poorly they played as individuals.

“We’re all first string,” Wroglander told reporters, “whether we’re first string or waterboys or the kind of lame kids who never even get on the field because they’re so pathetic and weak. We’re all differently abled, but we all should have equal opportunities to, um, succeed, and success for my generation means not having a chance to fail.”

Wroglander said that he was working on a similar petition from graduating seniors to the NFL, asking the league to eliminate scoring on the Wonderlich intelligence test and also stop using stopwatches to time the 40 yard dash.

“The race is not always to the swift,’ Wroglander read, from his prepared notes. “Or to the smart. Just because you’re slow-footed and kind of stupid doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your fair chance to play in the NFL.”

A spokesman for the NCAA, studying the request, told the Dissociated Press that while the idea was unusual, it would only require the addition of four more bowl games, since all but eight NCAA 1-A teams currently get bowl nods at the end of each season.

“We’re all winners,” Wroglander said. “We all deserve the right to participate in bowl games at the end of the season. Trying to go undefeated puts too much pressure and stress in our lives. Pressure and stress are bad. So if we all go to bowl games, we can all feel good about ourselves. And isn’t that what college football is all about?”