"As Barack Obama's running mate and expert on foreign policy," Sen. Joseph Biden today told a hastily assembled Springfield, Illinois rally, "I will plagiarize speeches from around the world to help the Obama Administration understand foreign leaders."
Sen. Biden promised that in addition to stealing sections of speeches from British Labor leader Neal Kinnock during the 1988 Presidential primaries, he will steal sections of speeches "from Vladimir Putin of Russia to Nicolai Sarkozy of France, from Robert Mugabe of, um, Africa to whoever the leader of Italy is at any given moment."
Democratic Presidential candidate Obama chose Biden in order to shore up support among white Catholic voters and, in Biden's own words, "to be a kind of human Wikipedia of other leaders' speeches. The easiest way to learn about the world, which Sen. Obama needs to do to be the leader of the Free World, is to know what other leaders are saying. So instead of listening to all of them, he only has to listen to me."
Sen. Biden said that with a newly installed translation program on his laptop, he will be able to "plagiarize from world leaders' speeches within minutes of the text hitting the Internet. Thanks to all the new technology that's come into existence since my abortive 1988 Presidential campaign, I can plagiarize in ways that could not even have been imagined just 20 years ago.
"I look forward to debating whoever the Republican vice presidential candidate is, and shocking him with my long-winded answers that span the globe in terms of their sources. As they say, if you steal from one source, it's plagiarism. But if you steal from a lot of sources, it's research."
Sen. Obama could not be reached for comment, because when Sen. Biden's words stretched an additional six hours after his expected 10-minute speech, Sen. Obama, like much of the press corps, was sound asleep.
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