“We caribou would love to see Governor Palin go to Washington,” a caribou told a hastily assembled Juneau, Alaska news conference. “Anything to get her to stop shooting at us.”
The caribou, named Pete, told reporters that “slightly more than three out of four Alaskan caribou would like to see Governor Palin win election as Vice President of the United States. She’s a great shot, and we’re tired of losing friends and relatives to her.”
Pete said he understood that Palin’s serial shooting of Alaskan caribou was “nothing personal,” but he said he and the rest of the caribou would be happier if she were “picking on humans, like gays and lesbians,” instead of “putting our antlers in her kids’ rooms at the Alaskan State House.”
Gov. Palin, a committed hunter, “supports aerial shooting of wolves and bears,” Pete said. “I’m no fan of wolves and bears personally, but it’s tough enough trying to look to your left and right, front and back, for hunters and other predators. When they’re firing at you from planes, well, that’s just tough.”
Pete said that he had also taken a poll of Alaskan salmon, who were almost unanimous in their opposition to her plan to develop the Pebble Mine, which would destroy Alaska’s largest salmon run and cause enormous environmental damage to rivers and streams throughout the region.
“We caribou do agree with her position that the polar bear should be taken off the endangered species list,” Pete acknowledged. “Anybody who’s ever spent time with polar bears know that they’re just a real pain in the behind to be around.
“But if she’s so interested in teaching about creation in public schools,” Pete asked, “why is she so interested in shooting or wiping out every animal in creation? I mean, I may be just a caribou, but somehow that just doesn’t add up.”
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