China To Arrest, Reeducate All Olympic Athletes

Expressing shock over the political naivete of Olympic athletes arriving in Beijing for the games that begins Friday, the Chinese government has begun to arrest all competitors from non-Communist countries and put them in reeducation camps to last for the duration of the Games.

“This step is intended as a goodwill gesture to the nations these athletes represent,” Chinese Olympic spokesman Lin Biao told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. “When they come home, they will have a deeper appreciation for central government, restrictions on the Internet, and the undesirability of free trade. In other words, they will think more like us.”

Mr. Lin said that athletes would attend classes for up to 18 hours a day and could receive visits from the Red Cross “if a suitable time can be found. They will be spending up to four hours a day outside of class doing homework and reviewing their lessons for the next day, so they may not have time to meet with the representatives of the Red Cross. Assuming the Red Cross people can even find the camps.”

The reeducation camps will focus on the desirability of suppressing minority religious groups in areas under China’s control, dominating the international economic system, ignoring other nations’ demands for China to provide its citizens with human rights, China’s ongoing support of the North Korean government, and planned starvation of “excessive numbers” of citizens.

“After the games,” Mr. Lin said, “the athletes will be much better equipped to tell our side of the story to reporters than if they just hung around the Olympic Village, had inappropriate physical relations with athletes from other countries, and competed in their respective sports.”

When asked by reporters whether the positive effect on China’s medal count, if all of its non-Communist competitors were unable to take part in the games, was a factor in the decision to arrest and reeducate the athletes, Mr. Lin offered a terse “no comment.”