Pelosi Takes Away Military’s Credit Card; Buys New Wardrobe

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Left Coast) told a hastily assembled San Francisco news conference that she has kept her promise to “take away the military’s credit card” and reign in spending on the War in Iraq. She subsequently used the military’s credit card, however, to buy herself a new wardrobe.

“It’s amazing how far a billion a month will go, even in a store like Neiman-Marcus,” said Speaker Pelosi, who was wearing no less than six designer gowns, fourteen pairs of Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals, and a dozen pair of diamond earrings, all of which, according to the Neiman-Marcus catalog, “can be seen from the Space Shuttle at sunrise.”

Speaker Pelosi came to power on a pledge to reduce military spending significantly enough in order to force an early end to the Iraq War. Her efforts to rein in the military’s enormous budget succeeded, but her bills from Neiman’s, the Macy’s in downtown San Francisco, and Nordstrom for the month of July slightly outstripped the cost of the War.

“I know I have to rein in my own spending,” Speaker Pelosi admitted, waving an armful of solid platinum bracelets at members of the press. “I’m just not used to having a credit card without a spending limit. Even my American Express Black card cuts you off at some point.”

Speaker Pelosi told reporters that before she turned the military’s credit card in to the General Accounting Office, she intended to acquire for herself a fleet of six LearJets, an NBA team, Microsoft, and the nation of Antigua.

“Eventually, the cost savings of taking away the military’s credit card will reach the U.S. Treasury and benefit taxpayers,” Speaker Pelosi said, as she reclined on a six-foot high stack of Prada purses. “Until then, I think people want to see that their House Speaker is living comfortably. And with the amount of money we’re still spending in Iraq, I don’t think anyone will even notice my little bit of extravagance.”