NBC, Fearing Post-Phelps Ratings Plunge, Tests New Ways To Attract Viewers

NBC, afraid that viewers will tune out the Olympics after a Michael Phelps-driven ratings surge, has announced that instead of covering Greco-Roman wrestling or other viewer-unfriendly events, will show viewers “the real China,” network spokesperson Natasha Deering told reporters at a hastily assembled Beijing news conference.

“People don’t understand that China is a country with great human rights and not just great Chinese food,” Deering told reporters. “We’re going to show viewers the real China, not just the touristy, fake China that we have striven to present during the first 10 days of Olympic coverage.”

Bob Costas will present a special three-part report on China’s commitment to the environment. The first segment will demonstrate China’s efforts to rid the country of lead, a toxic substance that leeches into rivers and streams.

“China has developed a brilliant plan to remove all the lead from the country,” Deering said. “Bob will show how the lead is inserted in children’s toys, which are then shipped to the United States, which has a better system of lead removal than China does.”

Next, NBC will present a series on what the United States can learn from Chinese prison methods. “We spend more to house a prisoner for a year than to send a person to Harvard,” Deering told reporters. “The Chinese have excelled at two things: housing people in inexpensive, easy-to-maintain bamboo cages, and keeping prison terms very short, especially on death row. We have a lot to learn from them, and I think viewers will find this rare, inside look into the Chinese prison system very educational.”

Finally, the Chinese government will offer reenactments of “great moments from the Cultural Revolution,” Deering explained. “It’ll be a lot like Civil War reenactments in the U.S., except that they’ll be using live fire and, you know, bad things can happen.

“Frankly, it’s not what we’d like to be presenting, but if we want to beat Desperate Housewives and American Idol, it’s our only shot,” she told reporters. “Unless they blood test Michael Phelps in prime time, we’ve got no game. Even if it is the Olympics.”