Bush at Olympics Admits Hasn’t Been in White House Since June; Discovers 6 New Countries To Invade

President George W. Bush admitted to a hastily assembled Beijing news conference that he has “not seen the inside of the White House since June” and that his Olympics attendance has given him 6 new countries to invade.

“They don’t give me a whole lot of work back in Washington,” the President told reporters. “So me and Laura have been out there kind of seeing the world. What they call the international party circuit—we did the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona in July, one of those topless beaches in Greece for a couple of weeks—and now here we are at the Olympics. And from here we’re going to Germany for Oktoberfest. Nobody really wants me to campaign with them, so I’m kind of free to travel a little bit.”

The President told reporters that he thought the United States was “ungrateful” for the Iraq War. “A lot of Presidents wouldn’t have invaded,” he said. “They would have just let Iraq stay in Kuwait, although maybe that was the First Gulf War. No. I mean the weapons. Those big weapons that what’s his name had. The guy who used to run Iraq. Before we found him in a hole. Remember?”

President Bush also said that he had spent much of his time meeting with athletes from all over the world and asking them “what kind of natural resources they had in their countries, some of which had really messed up names, like Guinea-Bissau or the Maldive Islands. They’ve got countries in the Olympics smaller than Dallas! Anyway, I made a list of six countries we really could invade in a New York minute. One’s got bauxite—we need bauxite, right? It’s expensive, isn’t it? Well, if we invade Georgia—it’s near Russia—we’ll have all we want.”

A reporter pointed out to the President that Russia had already invaded Georgia, and the President responded angrily, “That bastard Putin! I told him about the bauxite in Georgia in confidence, during that U.S.-China basketball game! He thinks he’s Lenin! Well, it could be worse. That pint-sized Bob Costas thinks he’s Sam Donaldson.”