Hillary: Obama’s Refusing My Convention Demands

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that Sen. Obama’s team “is refusing my convention requests, which I consider entirely reasonable.”

Sen. Clinton told reporters that she had a list of nine demands and that the Obama team was “stubbornly resisting all of them. I don’t understand why they are being so petulant, unreasonable, and unable to deal in reality.”

The requests Sen. Clinton’s team presented include the following:

1. Paying her a convention appearance fee of $80 million, to offset her campaign debts.

2. Renaming the convention in her honor, so it would be called the “Hillary Rodham Clinton 2008 Democratic Convention.”

3. Permitting her name to be placed into nomination at the Convention by the boxing guy who says “Let’s get ready to have Hillary Rodham Clinton rumble!”

4. Having Sen. Obama wear a Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign button during his acceptance speech.

5. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, four VIP tickets to each inaugural event with special announcements of her entry and exit from each event.

6. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, Sen. Clinton is to receive her choice of cabinet positions.

7. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, former President Bill Clinton can come to the White House anytime, jump to the head of the tour line, and help himself to anything he wants in the White House pantry.

8. Selecting Hillary Rodham Clinton as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket.

9. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, he would gracefully refuse the Presidency and instead turn the office over to the person who really, really deserves it the most because she worked so hard and put up with Bill’s infidelities for all those years, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“We think these demands are entirely fair,” Sen. Clinton concluded. “All I can do is hope that Sen. Obama will stop acting so delusional and recognize that I’m the one who really should be President.”