Bush, Distressed By War, Renames Himself “The President Formerly Known As Bush”

President George W. Bush today told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that he was “deeply distressed” by the stalemated Iraq War and had brought “enormous shame and dishonor” to his family name.

“Therefore,” the President told reporters, “after I step down from office in January, I will be known not by the name George W. Bush but by three squiggles in the shape of a peace sign. Since the squiggles are unpronounceable, I would like people to refer to me as “The President Formerly Known As Bush.”

When reporters asked about his post-Presidency plans, the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush said that he was going to star in a new Broadway musical he was writing, “The Wizard of Osama.”

“I’m going to be a Dorothy-like character, trying to find my way back home,” the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush told reporters. “I will be accompanied by Nancy Pelosi, who will be looking for courage, Dick Cheney, who will be looking for a heart, and John McCain, who’s got a very funny moment when he says, ‘Oil me! Oil me!’”

When asked about the connection between the Broadway musical and his own unsuccessful efforts to locate the elusive mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush told reporters, “History is repeated once as history and a second time as musical comedy. I get to sing, ‘Somewhere Under Peshawar/Caves Are Deep. If I Could Find Osama I’d Put Him To Sleep.’

“It’s kind of therapeutic for me,” the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush told reporters. “That whole war thing just blew up in my face. Makes me miss my days when I was owning the Texas Rangers. My being President was Dad’s idea, anyway. I think he landed on top of his head skydiving once too often.

“If I’d known that I would have been the biggest weapon of mass destruction, I’d never have taken the job,” the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush concluded. “Anybody want to hear me sing a few bars from my musical?”