USA Takes Gold, Silver In Olympic Doping Competition

The United States claimed gold and silver medals in the Olympic doping competition at the Bird's Nest in Beijing this afternoon, in the first year that doping has been a medal sport.

Jeff McCutcheon, a two-time felon and former clubhouse attendant for the Houston Astros, took gold when his undetectable combination of HGH, steroids, and green tea, injected into the buttocks of a randomly chosen Chinese 400 meter hurdler, reduced the hurdler's time by more than 4.6 seconds.

Frank Tomlin, a former self-described "personal herbalist" for retired baseball star Jose Canseco, took the silver medal when his mixture of androstenedione, baking soda, and creme de menthe, rubbed onto the skin of a South African discus thrower, enabled that athlete to improve on his own previous mark by more than 5 meters.

Rene Deschamps of France, chief medical supervisor of the Tour de France, took bronze.

"Doping has traditionally been an important part of the Olympics," Chinese Olympics chairman Lin Biau told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. "In the past, though, it has always been in the shadows. We thought that turning doping into a medal sport would enliven the Games and attract more new fans, just like skateboarding and BMX, which are, of course, forbidden here in China."

In order to win a medal in doping, the contestant must abide by rules created by the International Olympic Committee in order to make doping a "credible Olympic sport," Mr. Lin said. "First, the competitor must create a steroid-like substance that cannot be detected by even the most current drug testing methods. Athletes are chosen at random for injection of the substances and are not informed of the materials they are forced to take. Any improved performance that results from the presence of the drugs counts for the athletes in their respective competitions."

President George W. Bush, still hanging around the Olympic Games because he has nothing else to do, really, until the end of his term of office, applauded the U.S. Doping Team's success.

"We want to give young people the impression that drug taking is wrong," the President told the Dissociated Press. "But since it's a part of our culture, we figured, let's go for the gold. I thought it was a nice touch that when Jeff McCutcheon, our gold medal winner, held up a photo of Barry Bonds while holding his fist in the air when they played our National Anthem. It's important that we remember those athletes who paved the way for glorious moments like this."