Monday, August 25, 2008

Mosquito Stings Michael Phelps At Closing Ceremonies; Flies 400 MPH

A mosquito stung 14-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps at Sunday night's closing ceremony and promptly flew out of the Bird's Nest Stadium at speeds exceeding 400 miles per hour, causing the Chinese Air Force to scramble and intercept the mosquito 180 miles southwest of Beijing.

"At first, we thought the mosquito was part of the elaborate closing ceremonies," Chinese Olympics spokesman Lin Biau told reporters at a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. "Then we realized we had people flying through the air, but not insects flying faster than bullets. That's when we scrambled the jets. We thought it might have been a terrorist act."

The mosquito, rich on Phelps' blood, traveled on a zig-zag course to a marshy region far from the Chinese capitol before it was finally shot down by a Chinese MIG.

"The blood of the mosquito was analyzed so we could understand how it could fly so quickly," Mr. Lin said. "The fact that it contained traces of various performance enhancing drugs undetectable in blood tests should cast no doubt on the legitimacy of Mr. Phelps' performance in the Water Cube. Maybe the mosquito didn't bite Mr. Phelps. Maybe it bit someone else."

When reporters pointed out that the mosquito was also found to contain Mr. Phelps' DNA, and was already being called by British tabloids "the Mo-Speedo," Mr. Lin issued a terse "No comment."

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