Russians Admit Using “CyberWarfare” Prior To War With Georgia

Russian President Vladimir Putin today admitted to a hastily arranged Moscow news conference that his country had engaged in “CyberWarfare” in the weeks prior to the war with Georgia.

“In the 21st century,” Putin told reporters, “every aspect of technology has a possibility for military uses. That includes the Internet.”

In the weeks prior to the war, Putin said, Russian hackers bombarded all known Georiga inboxes with hundreds of email letters to every Georgia resident, forcing them to delete all the unwanted mail in order to carry on their business or personal online correspondence.

“The average Georgian,” Putin said, “received solicitations from people claiming to be Nigerian ex-government officials offering to share inheritances, cures for baldness, formulas for reviving one’s sex life, prescription drugs and Rolex watches at bargain prices, and introductions to Russian women.

“We thought we would paralyze the Georgian economy with all this spam,” Putin said. “But to our surprise, Georgians in large numbers took advantage of all of the special bargains that we offered, especially the really great deals we gave on Viagra.

“We were also surprised by the gullibility of large numbers of Georgia’s elderly population, who sent large amounts of money to the ‘Nigerian generals.’ The bottom line is that we made so much money invading Georgia’s inboxes that the war itself seemed superfluous, which is why we got bored with it and called it off after a few days.”

Putin said that Russia would be able to finance a new search for oil off the coast of Murmansk, a Cold War-era submarine base, with all of the revenue streaming in from Georgia. Putin projected that taking the email campaign worldwide could create an astonishingly powerful passive income stream for his nation.

“We are fast approaching what Westerners call the ‘four-hour workweek,” Putin gloated. “We intend to take our email campaign to other nations, including the United States, and enjoy even greater revenues. Lenin would be proud. Yesterday, Georgia, tomorrow the world.”