ESPN Attacks, Overruns North Korea

ESPN, the self-styled “Worldwide Leader In Sports”, took a major step forward in its quest to become the Worldwide Leader, Period, by attacking and overrunning North Korea, which is now in the hands of the Bristol, Connecticut broadcasting juggernaut.

“They were no match for our nattily attired broadcast teams, sardonic wit laced with irony, and cutting edge computer-generated graphics,” Cindy Richardson, a spokeswoman for the network, told a hastily assembled Pyongyang news conference. “They surrendered like the Communist running dogs we suspected them to be.”

Not satisfied with dominating the sports broadcasting environment, ESPN overran North Korea “in a matter of hours,” Richardson boasted, its first step toward eventual total world domination.

“The people of North Korea have been liberated from the brutal totalitarian regime that enslaved them and kept them in dire poverty for decades,” Richardson proclaimed. “Now they can enjoy Mike and Mike in the mornings, Peter Gammons, and SportsCenter, like the rest of the free world.”

The takeover of North Korea makes ESPN the first nuclear sports broadcasting superpower and continues the dismantling of President George W. Bush’s “Axis of Evil” that began with the Iraq War. Iran, Richardson declared, will henceforth be known as the “Last Evil Guy Standing.”

“Like all successful enterprises, we are hungry for more,” Richardson warned. “North Korea is the first but not the last country we will liberate in the name of Baseball Tonight and Stephen A. Smith. Our message to Teheran is simple: Be afraid. Be very afraid.”