Osama’s Driver Demands, Recieves Jury of His Peers

Salim Hamdan, allegedly the driver for alleged terrorist Osama bin-Ladin, today won a motion at his Guantanamo Bay trial for a jury of his peers. The military tribunal hearing his case agreed that he was constitutionally entitled to such a jury.

Hamdan, acting in his capacity as Osama’s chief driver, is accused of failing to signal when changing lanes on the Cross-Afghanistan Expressway, failing to come to a complete stop after a bus with children turned on its flashing lights, using a cell phone in a part of Afghanistan where drivers are not permitted to use cell phones, and conspiracy to commit terrorist acts and kill millions of people across the world.

Hamdan’s jury will consist of the driver for Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe; the driver for Omar al-Bashir, the President of the Sudan; the driver for Rene Preval, President of Haiti; the driver for Jean-Bertrande Aristide, former President of Haiti; the driver for Warren Jeffs, head of the polygamist sect FLDS recently raided and disbanded in Texas; the driver for Barry Bonds, the leading home run hitter in American baseball history; and the driver for Las Vegas headliner Celine Dion.

“We think a driver ought to be judged by his peers, who obviously are other drivers,” a spokesman for the U.S. Army told a hastily arranged Guantanamo Bay news conference. “They would be best situated to judge whether Mr. Hamdan’s driving, and his alleged terroristic acts, rise to the level of activity punishable by criminal law.”

Human rights groups have protested against the handling of Mr. Hamdan and 240 other prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay since the beginning of the war in Afghanistan in November, 2001. Those groups have both applauded the military tribunal’s decision to permit a jury of other drivers.

“It’s a first step,” a spokesperson for Amnesty International told the Dissociated Press. “We’d like to see the U.S. Government move on now to other issues, including freedom of religion, decent meals, humane conditions, and a wait of less than seven years for others held at the prison at Guantanamo. But we’re not holding our breath.”