Spokeschild: “We Told You Tomatoes Were No Good”

A 7-year-old spokeschild for America’s 73 million children today told a hastily assembled Vidalia, California news conference, that America’s children had already told their parents that tomatoes were “bad for you” and “yucky.”

“The salmonella outbreak comes as no surprise to any of us under the age of 12,” Jason Schaumberg, founder of Kids Against Vegetables, told reporters. “We’ve been telling our parents for years that tomatoes are disgusting.”

When asked by a reporter how children responded to the claim that tomatoes, like all vegetables, were in fact “good for you,” Schaumberg scrunched up his face and explained that he, like most children, “hated” vegetables.

“We have nothing against tomato growers and stuff,” Schaumberg said. “But we’re actually kind of hoping that the salmonella outbreak spreads to other types of vegetables, especially celery and spinach. Spinach sucks.”

A reporter asked Schaumberg if he was allowed to use that kind of language at home, and whether he considered it appropriate as the head of an organization purporting to represent 73 million children.

“None of your beeswax,” Schaumberg told the assembled media. “You’re not my parents. You can’t make me.”

Asked whether he and other children might be at risk for diseases like scurvy, which can be traced to a lack of vegetables in the diet, Schaumberg replied, “Pirates don’t eat vegetables, and they don’t get scurvy. We’ve actually hired research scientists to look into other possible dangers to children, such as limiting the amount of time we can use our PlayStations and iPods, early bedtime, and school. Today, tomatoes. Tomorrow… babysitters and substitute teachers. We’re just coming into our power."

Schaumberg ended the press conference early, citing a need to go to the little boy's room.