Beckham, To Improve Soccer Ratings, Permitted To Use Hands, Small Weapons

Major League Soccer, acknowledging that David Beckham has not yet propelled soccer to sufficient prominence in the U.S., will now permit Beckham to use his hands to carry the ball, inflict blows on opponents and, during overtime periods, use small weapons.

“We honestly haven’t gotten our $250 million worth,” MLS spokesman Fred Mills told a hastily arranged Los Angeles news conference. “Soccer is still barely on the radar, despite Beckham’s presence. So we’ve got to goose it up a little bit.”

“Americans aren’t into soccer," Mills told reporters, “because they don’t see anything special about kicking a large ball. Your kid can do that, quite frankly. So you’ve got a major international celebrity like Beckham, and all he can do is stop a soccer ball with his foot and then kick it to someone else. I mean, come on. He’s got all this athletic talent that’s going untapped. People don’t spend serious money to watch Madonna gargle, or Brad Pitt do table readings of movie scripts. We want action.”

Mills said that Major League Soccer will now allow Beckham to cradle the ball in his arms, run down the field, and throw it into the opposing team’s goal, in an attempt to increase scoring. In the event of an overtime period, Beckham will now be allowed to brandish a 8 mm. weapon at opposing players. They can either turn the ball over to Beckham or find out the hard way if the weapon is loaded.

“Beckham will also be allowed to kick, scratch, bite, gouge, and deliver kidney punches to his opponents,” Mills told reporters.

“We’re trying to combine the high-scoring excitement of the NBA or the NFL,” Mills said, “along with the physical violence of mixed martial arts. If Becks can inflict serious bodily harm on opponents, and perhaps even shoot them during an overtime, we think our ratings can only go up.”