Rev. Jackson Apologizes For Obama Remarks, Other Stuff

The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized today to an extremely hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference for remarks he made on a live microphone to another guest on a Fox News broadcast about Sen. Barack Obama.

"Barack, he's talking down to black people,” Jackson had whispered, not realizing his microphone was live, and then he added that he would like to “cut off” Sen. Barack’s male appendage.

“That’s not what I said,” Rev. Jackson insisted. “I actually said I wanted to cut off his microphone, because of the nature of his comments. People must have misunderstood what I said. I’m no surgeon. I’m no doctor, except of divinity.”

The Obama campaign accepted Rev. Jackson’s apology, but Rev. Jackson took the opportunity for some other things he has said and done in the news conference.

“I’m sorry I brought my pregnant girlfriend to the White House to visit Bill Clinton in the Oval Office when he was going out with the fat chick,” he said. “That was wrong.”

“I’m sorry I hugged Yasir Arafat, back when he was considered a terrorist and before he was considered a man of peace and a visionary,” Jackson added. “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I picketed Budweiser over racial hiring issues but stopped picketing them once they gave my son his own brewery,” he added. The reporters, almost hypnotized by Rev. Jackson’s delivery, chorused with him, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I referred to New York during the 1984 Presidential campaign as Hymietown when what I really meant to say wasn’t New York but Jew York,” and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I transferred the mantle of unofficial leadership of the African American community to Al Sharpton, whose perm makes me squirm, and who never took responsibility for his role in the shameful Tawana Brawley incident,” he added, and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry that I essentially extort millions of dollars from American corporations as ‘donations’ to Operation Push in a Mafia-inspired guarantee of racial peace,” he added, and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry that I never had the guts or the statesmanship to come to power in a legitimate way, as Barack Obama has, instead of by jumping over the rest of the African American leadership after the death of Martin Luther King, Jr.,” he added, his voice thundering, and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I now have to make an apology tour,” Rev. Jackson concluded wearily, “in which I must go personally to Michael Richard, Mel Gibson, and Michelle Obama, and beg their forgiveness. Of course, I am available for running as Vice President in case Senator Obama wants a real black man for the ticket. Oops, I did it again.”