The American Dog Racing Association announced at a hastily arranged Charleston, West Virginia news conference that the first six months of 2008 “was our strongest half-year ever.”
Don Chardom, a spokesman for the ADRA, told reporters that “The economy may be going to the dogs, but fortunately for us, so are Americans. Dog tracks are doing better than ever, maybe because when our kind of people get unemployed, they come to us to while away their idle days.”
The cry of “There goes swifty!”, triggering a swarm of hungry greyhounds chasing after a mechanical rabbit, was heard in more tracks by more racegoers than ever, Chardom said. “Just like our tracks, our industry is counter-cyclical,” he told reporters. “The worse things get in the world, the more people come to see our beautiful dogs race.”
The key to the industry’s success, Chardom said, was a lack of oversight on the part of the animal rights community.
“I don’t know how we keep flying, or racing, under the radar,” Chardom confided. “If they knew how badly we treated the dogs, we’d be out of business in a New York minute.”
Chardom cited as possible concerns for the animal rights community the following: starving the dogs prior to races to make them run faster; injecting them with growth drugs and other stimulants; feeding them inadequate or poor quality feed; and disposing inhumanely of dogs that could no longer race competitively.
“How we don’t get beaten up on for what we do is a puzzlement to all of us,” Chardom admitted. “Maybe we’re just too low class for the animal rights people to even notice we’re out here. Whatever it is, I say, great.”
In other news, former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick declared bankruptcy today from his prison cell in Atlanta.
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