Barry Bonds Disguises Self As Little-Known White Baseball Player to Continue Career

Barry Bonds, baseball's controversial home run king, admitted to a hastily assembled San Francisco news conference that he had been disguising himself as a little-known Caucasian ballplayer in order to prolong his career with the Giants and possibly attract attention from other teams.

"I've seen the error of my ways," Bonds told reporters. "Nobody wants a headline-grabbing, steroids-abusing, tax-evading, home run hitter who has his own Barcalounger in the clubhouse. So it's true--I have been disguising myself as 'Bobby Holcomb,' a really average baseball player but kind of a rah-rah team guy, to get another shot at the majors."

In 98 appearances with the Giants this so far, "Holcomb" has smacked 64 home runs and gotten 14 doubles and eleven triples. He has yet to strike out.

"We suspected something was unusual, given the way Holcomb was swinging the bat," Giants manager Bruce Bochy told the Dissociated Press. "It was also weird, 'cause no one had ever played with the guy in the minor leagues. And the fact that he wouldn't shower at the ballpark or get out of his uniform, and that he wore batting gloves on both hands all the time, definitely had us thinking, too."

Giants team spokesman Brad Litvish told reporters at Bonds's news conference, "We knew it was Bonds by early May, when he already had 37 home runs. But it was one of those don't ask, don't tell things. The fans were loving it, and he was the one bright spot in our lineup. So we figured, let's ride this thing for as long as we can."

"Holcomb" gave himself away when signing an autograph for a child, "Barry Bonds." The father of the child told "Holcomb" that "You're not Bonds," and the veteran home run slugger at that point broke down weeping.

Bonds said he got the idea for disguising himself as a white ballplayer from a Damon Wayans movie in which the actor plays a white undercover officer.

"Look at it this way," Bonds said philosophically. "Maybe we can hope that Barry Zito is actually Dave Stewart, doing the same thing I was doing. It's our only chance at making the post-season."