China Tells Olympians: "Win Or Don't Go Home"

The Chinese Olympic Commission has slightly changed the wording of the NBA Playoffs slogan, "Win Or Go Home" to a more ominous sounding "Win Or Don't Go Home," an official told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference.

"We expect nothing less than a gold medal from every one of our Olympic athletes," Lin Biao, Chairman of the Chinese Olympic Commission told reporters. "Our athletes know that our reputation is riding on their efforts. And so is their survival."

Chinese Olympic officials understand that not every athlete can win a gold medal. "But not every athlete gets to see his or her family again," Mr. Lin told reporters. "We're not running a charity event. We're running the Olympic Games."

Chinese gold medal winners can expect the undying thanks of their countrymen, Mr. Lin told reporters. Those who do not win can expect criminal charges, reeducation camps, and in some cases, the death penalty.

"We see our resources as finite," Mr. Lin said. "We cannot lavish billions of dollars on our Olympic program. So an athlete who fails to live up to our admittedly high expectations is guilty of a criminal misuse of State funds. That's why we say, 'Win Or Don't Go Home.'"

Mr. Lin said that most of the athletes were "unconcerned" about the repercussions of coming in second or third or failing to win a medal in their sports. "They know that the judges, the time clocks, and the venues themselves have been altered in such a way that victory is all but assured.

"In fact, we have another slogan just for the judges: "Give China the gold and we'll give you lots of silver. When we win, everybody wins."