Obese Teen Votes Himself Into Baseball's All-Star Game

Matthew Glensky, a 270-pound, 5 foot 7 inch high school student from Springfield, Illinois, voted himself onto the Major League Baseball All-Star Team and will play tonight for the American League.

"He manipulated the system," Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig told a hastily assembled Bronx, New York news conference. "He created a computer program to write himself in over 4 million times in our fan voting on MLB.com. We had no choice but to give him a uniform. Fortunately, the game is in Yankee Stadium, so we had an old David Wells uniform in the laundry room."

This marked the first time that a non-major league baseball player had ever been on an All-Star team.

"We're thinking about having him catch Tim Wakefield," American League manager Terry Francona told the Dissociated Press. "He's got no arm, but he's wide."

Glensky took place in the All-Star Parade in Manhattan, where he was assigned his own float, due to his excessive weight. He will also receive an All-Star ring, made from two other rings soldered together in order to fit his excessively wide fingers.

Glensky, a self-described baseball statistics expert, says that his own sports involvement prior to this moment has been participating in fantasy baseball leagues online.

When reporters asked why Glensky had voted himself onto the All-Star team, he explained, "My mother told me to get some exercise."

"We'll obviously change the rules for next year," Selig said. "Baseball players only. I just wish I had thought of writing myself in. Maybe I can be the announcer, or work the scoreboard, or throw out the first pitch. I mean, I'm in at least as good shape as that fat kid, right?"