Gore Denounces Pickens’ “Risky Wind Scheme”, Fearing Global Cooling

Former Vice President Al Gore today denounced T. Boone Pickens’ plan for giant wind farms, at a hastily assembled Nashville news conference, claiming that the “risky wind scheme” would trigger a dangerous level of global cooling.

“Pickens wants to inherit the wind,” Gore said, clutching an unopened bag of Mallomars. “But the rest of us are going to get blown away. Creating thousands of new wind farms will cause the average world temperature to drop by two degrees a year. With all that wind, the world could be in a new ice age by 2015.”

Gore explained that global cooling takes place when enough wind is harnessed to create two effects. First, the air that is harnessed actually makes the world significantly cooler. Second, enough air can actually blow the world off course and create a wobble in its orbit that would push us further from the sun.

“Global cooling is a frightening concept,” Gore told reporters. “We must work to free ourselves from dependence not just on foreign oil but on domestic wind. Otherwise, the polar ice caps will end up expanding all the way to sub-Saharan Africa by the year 2020.”

Gore explained that he had a plan for realigning America’s energy sources involving neither foreign oil nor wind.

“The Gore plan,” he told reporters, while sneakily trying to open the Mallomars bag behind his back, fooling no one, incidentally, “is based on converting cow-created methane into fuel. If we keep eating enough meat, we can be energy self-sufficient by the year 2525. And the world will be just like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Not too warm. Not too cool. Just right. Um, anybody got a pair of scissors? This thing is so vacuum-packed I can’t open it. Yikes.”