Friday, July 4, 2008

Jesse Helms, Discovering Heaven Is Desegregated, Announces "Return" To Earth

The late Senator Jesse Helms told reporters in a hastily assembled Durham, North Carolina seance that "Heaven is desegregated, which is morally wrong, and I'm not staying."

He made immediate plans to return to Earth, insisting to God that he be placed in America in the "late 1930s at the latest, when life was good and people knew their place, if you know what I mean."

Helms said that he was "extremely disappointed with God" for allowing black and white souls to mingle in public places in heaven, including swimming pools, water fountains, public transportation, and movie theaters.

"Doesn't God read His own book?" Helms asked plaintively. "The lion doesn't lie down with the lamb, and I don't lie down with anybody. I'm coming back."

God was not immediately available for comment.

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