Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Clemens Denies HGH and Steroids Use; Admits to Botox

“I admit I wanted richer, fuller lips,” a chastened Roger Clemens told a hastily assembled Houston, Texas news conference. “So I started using Botox. But never HGH or steroids.”

Clemens was responding to new allegations of a delivery of HGH to his home, provided by a convicted HGH dealer. These allegations square with earlier Capitol Hill and courtroom testimony with regard to Clemens’ alleged use of steroids and HGH.

“Botox is awesome,” Clemens said. “First, I started to notice in the late ‘90s that my lips weren’t as rich and full as they had been in the past. Maybe when you’re outside pitching all the time, your lips don’t have that luscious fullness that I always prided myself on. Or maybe all the air travel dried them out.

“Either way, I went the Botox route,” Clemens said. “It’s completely safe, regardless of what you may read about it on the Internet, and it definitely made me feel more attractive and compelling. That boost to my self-confidence enabled me to become a more powerful pitcher, to the point where I was able to win several Cy Young awards and World Series titles well after I might otherwise have had to quit.”

Clemens continued to deny that he had ever used HGH or anabolic steroids in order to prolong his Hall of Fame-level pitching career.

“It’s ludicrous to say I did that stuff,” Clemens said, his lips trembling into a full-on pout, which many reporters, male and female, found extremely alluring. “Pitching is all about confidence, and when you feel as confident in your appearance as Botox allowed me to be, heck, I was good to go.”

Clemens added that although most of his product endorsement deals had vanished in light of drug allegations, he was on the verge of signing a deal with a major manufacturer of makeup that was going to create a personalized Roger Clemens line of lip gloss, eye shadow, foundation, and blush.

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