Steroid-Abusing Iraqi Suicide Bomber Kills 61, Gets Asterisk

An unnamed male suicide bomber detonated himself outside a crowded Baghdad market today, killing 61, a new record, but he will receive a posthumous asterisk on his record because of allegations of steroid use, an Iraqi official told a hastily assembled Baghdad news conference.

“Steroids give suicide bombers an unfair advantage,” Minister of Sports and Self-Detonation Mustafa al-Iliqba told reporters. “Since they are physically stronger, they can carry more explosives. If records are going to mean anything, you can’t have people using artificial means to build themselves up, carry more bombs, and kill more people. So we’re placing an asterisk on the gentleman’s record.”

The previous record high number of people killed by a suicide bomb in Baghdad was 60. Many observers will still refer to the record of 60 as the legitimate mark, while the man who killed 61, whose ID was destroyed in the attack, will not be considered a legitimate record.

“It’s like comparing apples to oranges,” Mr. al-Iliqba told reporters. “We are thinking about having a Natural Division of suicide bombers, people who did not use any illegitimate means of making themselves bigger. But until then, if there is only one category, we must disqualify users of steroids, because otherwise the records will be meaningless.”

Mr. al-Iliqba noted that some steroids abusers could add up to 40 additional pounds of muscle mass, enabling them to carry up to 60 more pounds of TNT.

“We understand that some people will do anything for to achieve a record,” Mr. al-Iliqba noted. “But until the dangers of steroids are fully understood, we cannot condone suicide bombers using them. We will continue to test, both the live bombers before they self-detonate and the DNA of the bombers after they have committed their missions. We believe people want to know there is a level playing field among suicide bombers. If you can’t trust the record book, then what’s left?”

Mr. al-Iliqba told reporters that the Iraqi Government is working to create a test for HGH or Human Growth Hormone, which currently cannot be detected in fragments of DNA from suicide bombers who have already blown themselves up.

“The veracity of our national pastime is on the line,” Mr. al-Iliqba said. “From a sentimentalist point of view, the old record of 60 still stands. If you can blow yourself up legitimately and kill 61, great. Otherwise, what kind of example are we setting for the kids?"