Fresh from his installation as newly elected President of Afghanistan, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama was today chosen the “13th Imam” or leader of the Iraqi peoples.
“I will lead Iraq firmly but fairly,” a surprised Sen. Obama told a hastily arranged Anbar Province news conference. “I will provide change that Sunnis and Shiites alike can believe in.”
A suicide bomber driving a bulldozer en route to disrupt a meeting between Sen. Obama and former Iraqi President Maliki caught a glimpse of the Senator in his armored car, burst into tears, and renounced violence, according to a report in the Dissociated Press.
“Iraq is not a Sunni country,” Sen. Obama told a packed stadium. “Iraq is not a Shiite country. Iraq is…a country,” he concluded, to rapturous applause.
Millions of Iraqis thronged the path of Sen. Obama’s bulletproof limousine, cheering, crying, and laying down their weapons. Tribal leaders wept and embraced former enemies; weapons by the hundreds of thousands were tossed into the sea; and formerly murderous street gangs left scores of notes of apology under the doors of relatives of their victims.
“We disagree on interpretations of the Koran,” a cleric told the Dissociated Press, “but we all agree that Barack Obama represents change. Lots of change. All kinds of change. But good change, not bad change. The kind of change that everyone likes. Happy change. Not sad change. The only unhappy thing for us is the terrible rumor that Obama is a Christian. How can people say things like that? But he is our new leader, and we are happy, for a change.”
Sen. Obama announced that since he has brought peace to Iraq, he will be taking all American troops with him when he leaves the country later this afternoon.
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