A spokesman for the United Nations told a hastily assembled Geneva, Switzerland news conference that “The world will forgive the United States for its reckless, pointless Iraq War if the United States would only just embrace soccer.”
Gunter Federkorn, chair of the United Nations International Sports Federation, told reporters that the other nations of the world “suffer from a collective lack of self-esteem because you think soccer is a stupid game played by poor people. Okay, it may not be as tactically complex as American football, but it’s no stupider than, say, ice hockey.”
Federkorn said that the rest of the world “felt bad” that Americans had never responded to the world’s most popular sport, despite the recent arrival of soccer star David Beckham and his wife, a former singer.
“On the other hand,” Federkorn said, “the rest of the world feels that the United States is incredibly stupid for having a war in Iraq without having a plan for what to do after declaring victory. So what’s stupider, us liking soccer or you guys having that dumb war?”
Federkorn said the United Nations was interested in brokering an international treaty of non-stupidity-believing, in which other nations of the world would try to keep a straight face while repeating President Bush’s claim that the war was justifiable and Senator John McCain’s claim that the war was winnable, in exchange for Americans “getting up really early in the morning, say around five a.m., going to a local pub or bar, and watching a friendly between, say, Jamaica and Italy.
“The point is that we all sometimes like dumb things,” Federkorn said. “We like watching eleven men kicking a ball around and maybe there will be a goal or two scored, and maybe there will be that mysterious ‘extra time’ that our referees sometimes add. You like interfering with thousand-year-old tribal disagreements in a nation half a world away. Can’t we all just get along?”
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